KARAOKE TAXIDERMY
(or, Go stuff your ballot box)
By Bud Young

Consider this as an open letter to those "K-ers" who aspire to the title of "KJ of the Year".
Since already having been proclaimed "KJ of the YEAR, DECADE, CENTURY, and MILLENIUM", I can sympathize with your desire to usurp my "Mantle of Perfection" and replace it with your insignificant contribution to this entertainment venue.
However, I am not one to deride your efforts and ambition to attain some modicum of recognition by basking in the afterglow of my unmatched and enviable achievements, and, through such, satisfy your craving for those elusive 15 minutes of glory you feel are deservedly yours.
You have asked,---nay, pleaded for me to divulge the methods employed in making me an international Karaoke household name--- and I feel a moral obligation to endow you with the paths I followed in my trek to arriving at the apex of all Karaoke endeavors.
First of all, I possess more innate talent , friendliness, compassion, accommodation and personality than one man has a right to have--- but, Noblesse Oblige'.
Let me here and now expose the crucial guidelines to follow in your questionable and , undoubtedly futile quest for singer's Golden Fleece---- Faux "K Stardom.

1: Be an organ donor for all who vote for you.
2:Vow to donate all your old cardboard boxes to the homeless.
3:Volunteer to be a car crash test dummy--- sans air bags.
4: Commit to having the names of those who vote for you tattooed on intimate
parts of your anatomy.
5: Adopt a wino for two weeks--- or, 2 winos for one week each.
6: Contribute an autographed hood to the KKK-"KJ of the YEAR".
7: During the next visit by the Pope, offer to sing, in Latin, the "RODEO Song".
8: Deny that you are a transvestite by claiming that the dress you were trying on was a costume for a masquerade ball where you were to be the Belle.
9: Support adding a Thong and and a Spee-doo category to every future "K" contest.
10:Just be yourself--- and you'll soon see how fast you get used to losing.

Of course, you could opt for following the peripheral paths I took to stardom and inevitable "K" immortality, such as--- Bribes, Drugs, Sex, Blackmail, Alcohol as well as threats of bodily harm to those intimate parts of one's anatomy--- where those tattoos are located.

On second thought, forget those particular routes, "cause if you did all those things, YOU might become "KJ of the MILLENIUM"-- and it goes without saying that there's only room for one at the top!!.