Rice-A-Roni!

by Stephanie Lewis

No this is not an article about quick dinners! That's what I used to think the Knack was shouting instead of "My Sharona" until I heard my husband sing it last night at the Quail's Inn. Mind you, this is not a new phenomena for me. Even though I have perfect hearing, (At 3 am, I can detect our baby's cry over the din of my husband's snores!) I literally grew up mistaking hundreds of words to songs.

The first time this occurred, I was five years old and my parents took me to a ball game where I became intrigued by our National Anthem. I whined to my mother after the song, "Why don't the fans care about where I'm sitting?" True, we were stuck in the nosebleed section but she still gave me a confused look. I explained with childlike innocence, "Everyone is asking, 'Jose, can you see?' But, what about me?" I've been fascinated with incorrect song lyrics ever since.

I guess butchering lines to songs must be genetic because when I was a teenager, my mother thought she was cool when she kept asking my teenage girlfriends if we liked that new Neil Diamond song, "Reverend Bleu Cheese!" ("Forever in Blue Jeans") I used to wince whenever the Bee Gees song, "More Than A Woman" blared on the car radio because my father would bellow loudly with open windows, "Bald-Headed Woman!" while snapping his fingers boisterously.

Now, unfortunately this quirk of mine is not confined to popular tunes even spiritual hymns and Christmas songs are victims of my "wordslaughter." "Silent Night" contains "Around Virginia, mother's are wild!" ("Round yon virgin, mother and child.") and "Feliz Navidad," was "Police nabbed your dad!" My best friend from second grade still won't let me forget that every morning, I dutifully recited "I led the pigeons to the flag, of the United States of America" and then spiraled into "and totally public, for witch's stamps, Carnation's underdog, celebrity will bust us all!" ("and to the republic, for which it stands, one nation under God, for liberty and justice for all" for those who have been out of school too long!)

Apparently though, I am not alone in thinking that Mustang Sally was actually Mustard Salad! What follows are some of my family's and friend's contributions to this embarrassing topic:

Billy Joel's "You may be right, I may be Crazy!" misheard to be, "You made the rice, I made the gravy!" My brother has even convinced a few people this was correct.

Beach Boy's, "My buddies and me are gettin real well known," misheard to be, "My buddies are mean, they're gettin meat well done!"

Jefferson Starship's, "We built this city on rock and roll," misheard to be, "We built this city on the wrong damn road!"

Foreigner's, "I'm hot blooded, check it and see!" misheard to be, "I got flooded, check me for fleas!" My sister-in-law sheepishly admitted that she always thought this seemed a little odd.

Toto's, "I bless the rains down in Africa" misheard to be, "I left my brains down in Africa" This one, I overheard my hairstylist humming as she furiously chopped off my hair.

The Beatles, "The Long and Winding Road," misheard to be, "The Long and Runny Nose." This was my allergic cousin's fave!

Hot Chocolate's, "I believe in miracles," misheard to be, "I believe in milkbones!" A veterinarian friend was sorely disappointed to learn the truth about this tune.

Elton John's, "It's the circle of life," misheard to be, "It's the Super Bowl I like!" by my husband's football obsessed friend.

Elvis Presley's, "Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me?" misheard to be, "Are you loathsome tonight? Do you mince meat?"

The Beatles, "Lucy in the Sky with diamonds," misheard to be, "Do you see this guy eat ions?" From my son's science teacher!

Four Seasons' "Oh what a night, late December back in '63," misheard as, "Let's call it a night, some fat lady tried to fix a tree!"

Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water," misheard as, "Smoke marijuana!"

Prince's "Little Red Corvette," misheard as, "Little Veal Cutlet!" A friend who works for Weight Watcher's sings it this way.

Mary Well's, "No muscle bound man can take my hand from my guy," misheard as, "No matzo ball man can take my ham from my rye!" My Jewish grandma is a bit confused!

Kenny Roger's/Dolly Parton's, "Islands in the stream, that is what we are," misheard as, "I love industry, let's go drive a car!"

Johnny Nash's, "I can see clearly now, the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way," misheard as, "I can see Shirley now, Lorraine has gone. I cancel all orchestras in my day."

Crystal Gale's, "Don't it make my brown eyes blue," misheard as, "Donuts make my brownies blue."

The Highwaymen's, "Michael, Row the boat ashore," misheard as, "My goat knows the bowling score."

Sandpiper's "Guantanamara, guajira guantanamara," misheard as, "One ton of Maalox, I need a one ton o' Maalox!" Grandpa sings this after Thanksgiving.

Do any of these examples remind you of dittys you've confused? Why don't you drop me an email and tell me your most embarrassing mix-ups and I'll mention them in a future story. Who knows, maybe this is how Weird Al Yankovic started. It's funny how it's human nature to hear what we want to hear. I must admit that even though my husband drives me crazy with his Karaoke obsession, reading the monitor while he belts one out has allowed me to see the true words the songwriter has intended. I no longer have any misperceptions or mistaken interpretations about any melodies. By the way, I think it is just wonderful how the Beach Boys encouraged all of us to, "Help Rawanda, help, help Rawanda!" Don't you?

Stephanie Lewis lives in La Costa with her new husband and just gave birth to her fifth child. She savors, "The Sound of Silence."
Contact Stephanie at Quotegal@nethere.com