MARRY, MARRY CHRISTMAS
or,
(Divorce, Karaoke-style)

by Bud Young

You say you want to meet the person of your dreams?? Weelll, "K" is the key to eternal bliss and companionship!! If we are to believe that some, or any of the saccharine espousals offered by contributors to "K" publications, we must then believe that "K" has been the main cause of weddings since the invention of the shotgun.

i.e. "There he was up on the stage--microphone in one hand and a Coors Light in the other. His rather large stomach had popped three buttons from his shirt and his skin was exposed. He looked like a beached whale as he crooned "Love Letters in the Sand". Two days later we were married at Sea World at the Whale exhibit--he wore that same shirt--I wore "Black". Signed : Mary Scuba, Skydiver.

i.e. No doubt about it, that girl standing up there in the spotlight had something special about her--it might have been the way she giggled all through her song, or maybe it was when she spilled her triple martini all over the KJ, or it could have been that hypnotic stare on her face as she glued her eyes to the "K" monitor... (Having a build like a Sherman tank didn't hurt either). Any way, that was three years ago and we are married and settled down to plan for a family. I am working three jobs to make ends meet while she stays at home sitting and staring at the glass door on the microwave...all the while giggling, drinking a triple martini, and mumbling something that sounds like "Crazy, I'm crazy for drinking without you"...signed, Raul Loveless, Neurosurgeon.

And finally, i.e. It was our first exposure to "K" and we were facinated by the music, lights, K.J., but above all, the unmitigated gall of some of the singers... talk about your Freddie Fender sound-alikes!! I, myself, do not sing, but my wife, who is an accomplished musician (she is the lead nasal in an all-girl Kazoo band) was urging me to give it a try. I tried begging off by telling her that my performing in front of several hundred people would embarass not only myself but her as well. She pooh-poohed that and insisted all the more..even to the point of getting up on the table and exhorted the crowd to clap, whistle and scream in an effort to get me to sing. The response was deafening, and when she looked down at me with eyes misting over with tears of anticipatory joy, I just could not refuse her. The KJ introduced me..the music began..the monitor's lyrics sprang to life.. and I began to sing. I was only into the first eight bars of the song when I noticed the entire audience began to shoot pool and play darts. As for my wife, well, the last time I saw of her was when she slammed her bottle of Evian water down on the table and then ran for the front door, all the while screaming about how I had humiliated her and that she was going to see her lawyer about marital abuse.. Bottom line??? She got the house, the kids, the car and our pet llama. As for me?? well, I still go out to "K" bars--but not to sing. No, I go there because I heard they were good places to meet someone you just might want to marry. Signed, Al Imony, Vocal Stud.
If I were to sum up my appraisal of Lovey-Dovey Karaoke, it would be with one word--- "YUCK"