LET'S RENT "THE WIZARD OF KARAOKE!"
By Stephanie Lewis

Now that we have a baby, we have no time to go to clubs so we rent videos and bring in Chinese. My husband was ecstatic when he found the movie, Duets, featuring Gwyneth Paltrow and Hewy Lewis. It was actually a pretty good flick, but now he's on a quest to find more films with a karaoke theme. I haven't the heart to tell him that nobody makes movies about that subject so instead I'm dedicating this column to what movies would be like in his world.

Here's his fantasy of what Hollywood Video or Video Depot would carry

A Room With A View ­ Quick paced drama about a karaoke lounge that backs up to an alley. The owner plans to auction off his sound system to raise money and move to a new location that overlooks the ocean. The "regulars" ban together and convince him that it is not the place, but the people that keep them coming back. Heartfelt ending with the group singing a rousing rendition of "We Are the World." Watch for sequel, "On the Waterfront."

As Good As It Gets ­ Helen Hunt stars in this sappy love story about a man who uses every last penny to get his wife voice lessons. She dreams of wowing the crowd onstage at The Tickled Trout, but soon they realize that no matter how much training she receives, she will always sing like a teakettle, which, of course, is perfectly fine in Tinseltown. Interesting camera angles in the showcase scenes.

Kramer vs. Kramer ­ Suspense thriller in which a father and son battle it out in the finalist round at Viejas. The viewer is treated to some rare behind the scene footage, but in a strange twist, neither of the Kramers win and the $5,000 goes to their maid who charms the audience with her rendition of "Coming To America!" Oh darn, now I've given away the surprise ending.

The Shining ­ Graphic horror story about Jack, a sadistic KJ who introduces innocent first timers up to the mic and regardless of their name, he bellows, "Heeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!" He then proceeds to point the spotlight directly in their eyes, blinding them so they cannot possibly read the lyrics. Not for the faint of heart.

Sophie's Choice ­ Agonizing long saga about a woman who pores for hours over the thickest song title book trying to decide what to sing. Rated R for some profanity as the other patrons call her a "Book Hog" and shout, "Just do something by Olivia Newton John, already!" Some comic relief in the scenes in the ladies restroom, but otherwise this drags on for 106 minutes.

Look Who's Talking ­ This one is an Academy Award winneruniversally understood theme about a famed karaoke lounge where the audience never pays attention no matter how professional the singer is. They carry on conversations just as if they were students back in English Lit 101. The special effects were so realistic that it gave this reviewer an actual headache from the hubbub.

Broadcast News ­ Johnny Stewart portrays himself in this surprising story of a man who believes there is a strong need for a karaoke publication in the community. Audiences will cheer as San Diego Scene becomes the most widely read, informative paper and Stewart triumphs against the many naysayers.

Total Recall ­ Predictable tale of a man who goes from club to club doing his Signature Song. He has the lyrics memorized of course, so he's free to do some lame facial expressions and hand gestures as he plays the audience. A real yawn!

What Lies Beneath ­ Insightful Docudrama about what is actually under the seats of the barstools in one karaoke lounge. If you are expecting gum or crumpled napkins, you had better think again! Powerful!

Gone With the Wind ­ A new club opens up in Atlanta where in the center of the stage someone has placed a sign that reads, "No blowing air in the Mic to check that it is turned on!" One patron blatantly ignores the sign and mutters, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." This tests the faith of the people who eventually come to see that a good KJ will always make sure you are well taken care of.

Silence of the Lambs ­ This is the only animated karaoke film out there but unfortunately it is the victim of truly "baaaaaaaaaaaad" sheep puns. Depicts about twenty Ewes that get the "wool" pulled over their eyes by Shepherdess Mary who teaches them to sing for fun and profit, "Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy" By "shear" luck, one of them comes up with the idea that they should feign a sore throat and never be "herd" from again! Insipid plot, but worth a try for your kids.

The Panic Room ­ Jodie Foster stars as Virginia, the powerful cocktail waitress who randomly points her finger at someone in the crowd who then must sing, in this chilling remake of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf." Even the people who are only there as spectators are fair game. Nervous laughter abounds as everyone wonders whose turn it is next as they order drinks galore. If anyone refuses, Foster sings instead!

The Sound of Music ­ Don't let the title of this movie fool you. It isn't about karaoke or music! Nobody even hums a note in this script where the "hills are alive," "tea is a drink with jam and bread," and people lament about "a few of their favorite things." Who is this newcomer Julie Andrews, anyhow?

Thank you for allowing me to indulge my karaoke obsessed husband (and maybe some of you?) in a parody movie review! He now says he wishes television would have a 24 hour Karaoke channel, but I won't go there in this column!

Stephanie Lewis lives in La Costa with her new husband and just gave birth to her fifth child. She savors, "The Sound of Silence." Contact Stephanie at Quotegal@nethere.com