KARAOKE ZODIAC

My primary concern is to make you inescapably aware of your niche in my musically-directed horoscope. I will begin by expounding on your vocal relationship relative to your Zodiac sign.

Aries: Being an Aries is something you cannot DODGE--- so, when up on stage, RAM it to the audience or EWE might just be considered to be a real LEMON--- with whitewalls yet.

Taurus: As a Taurus you must charge into every performance as though a red cape was taunting you. Do not drop a note, or a syllable or a key--- 'cause nothing turns off an audience more than El Toro droppings.

Gemini: Find someone who closely resembles your looks. or a close friend willing to undergo plastic surgery. Failing that course, volunteer for a cloning experiment. If successful, it can be a great asset in competing --and winning duet contests.

Cancer: By scuttling through your theme song, "Sidle By Sidle", you present a musical delicacy that is sure to "crack up" the judges and have them "clawing" for an encore.

Leo: Take Pride in the fact that your sign represents one of the five most dangerous animals on the African Continent, elephant, rhino, buffalo, leopard and lion.... and if you feel comfortable in 5th place--- so be it!

Virgo: Your symbol is the Virgin. Excuse my snicker, snicker, tee hee, guffaw-- and who's kidding who!!!

Libra: You must be able to balance between singing off-key and on-key. Any variation in either direction will condemn you to the Purgatory of Eternal Nasal-itis, and subject you to sing "Winchester Cathedral" through a megaphone.

Scorpio: You are sensitive to derision and rejection. As such, feel free, after having lost a contest, and having received only courtesy applause, to reach into your CD fanny pack, extract a curare-tipped knitting needle and proceed to puncture your over inflated ego.

Sagittarius: When performing, have a cocktail server place apples on the heads of your competition. With a cross bow (you came prepared) shoot cocktail swizzle sticks at these targets. In the end you will probably have killed all the other "K-ers"--- Ergo, you are the winner. At your trial you can plead vocal insanity and give out with one chorus of "Crazy"

Capricorn: Attempt to do something outrageous between choruses of your performance song-- like eating an empty Campbell Soup can, or show how sure-footed you are by leaping from the stage to the bar to a table without missing a note--- judges just love versatility and originality.

Aquarius: With your arms extended to the side, each one should have a 5 gallon container of Evian hanging from your wrist while you dash off a complete version of "American Pie". You could win by proving that you can sing and hold your water at the same time.

Pisces: Demonstrate your concentration by singing while wrapped in an Oleg Cassini fishnet ensemble, and with your mouth stuffed with night crawlers. You'll nail your audience, Hook, Line and Stinker.

Have you ever asked yourself why "K" stars ALWAYS SEEM TO BURN OUT??

info: johnny@sandiegoscene.com
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